Shoot The Moon
by keeponwritin
Summary: It was just the season.


A/N: Umm, hope this doesn't seem rushed. I only started it about a week ago, then I decided I really wanted to finish it before I started school. For both convenience and because it goes with the theme. Just read it, I suppose.  
  
  
  
The sun faded faster than it ever had outside these precious walls. The crisp orange glow filtered in bands through the window of our living room. I could taste it, its sweet tangerine flavor on the tip of my tongue. And it smelled like fresh peaches. It was the small but potent grain of summer caught in a crevice of my hand. I'd gone to school and seen their hands today: some had washed and scrubbed them until all traces were long gone; some seemed to have never come close enough to need cleansing. My eyes wandered, around the classrooms and the hallways and the cafeteria, in hopes of finding someone with a familiar glint in his eye, and take some comfort in knowing I was not the only one who could not let go. But I searched, and I found no one. Everyone rushed to stand in line for purification, to begin anew socially, academically... romantically. Was there even such a thing as moving on too quickly? I was clinging desperately to these memories, for fear old age would someday deem them unimportant and expunge them from memory. So few times in adolescence had I seen the beauty of innocence when all around me were bright flashing lights, sex, drugs, lying, and a pressure to do everything quickly and do it all well. It was a world I could not let myself fall into, but I had regardlessly, and this summer was my time out. Manny would be in the Philippines, JT and Toby at camp, and I went into summer with the assumption that my relationship with Chris was on the rocks. My assumption was proved correct only a week after our final exam--he was going to some camp, said he didn't want to be tied down for the time being, went on and on about how if he found no one, it would mean something special for our relationship, and ended the conversation with, I love you, Emma. And all I said was Then I wondered, had I ever loved Chris? Or was it just me in a new year... wanting a fresh start. Like everyone I'd condemned today. At times, I feel like if the world knew I was such a hypocrite, they wouldn't even bother with me.  
  
_Summer days are gone too soon  
Shoot the moon, and miss completely  
  
_It felt awkward to sit in silence when no one else was home, when my mom was at work and Archie was running errands and had taken Jack with him. I felt like, what do normal teenagers _do_ when they're home alone? Blasting music, never saw the point, unless you want to damage your eardrums. Pig out and watch a lot of TV, wasn't hungry and all that was on was reruns. Sneak out undetected? I always groaned at that thought. Archie was always home by five in the afternoon, and occasionally he left Jack at home for me to babysit. I would lay my head down on the arm of the couch and ponder what to do until it was too late. Someone would come home, and I'd go straight back to being helpful, productive Emma, and no one would ever know I'd spent the day--as well as every other day--lounging and dawdling around aimlessly. The rest of my June was spent this way, and soon I was wishing I'd made plans to have a summer job or even go to camp like everyone else seemed to be doing. My mindset was now, this battle is futile. I will now spend the rest of my summer doing nothing but staring at the dainty flowers on the walls and staring out the window like a prisoner.  
  
Then somehow in the midst of it all, I found myself talking to him again.  
  
I think the most awkward of friendship breakups are the ones that just fizzle away into oblivion. At least when a friendship ends on a sour note, you know that it's time to patch things up, or worst case scenario (and the one I try to avoid), ignore the person altogether. But when things start to fade between you and a friend, it's hard to tell where you're at. Everything's a big question of, is it still okay to start a conversation with you? Is it okay to say in the hallway? Is it okay to IM you? When there's a blow-up fight, then at least you know the answers to these questions, and at least you know it was probably just one misunderstanding between good friends. When a friendship fades away like this, you start to wonder if there ever was a true friendship. These were thoughts I was thinking often in the very first few days of July, when I'd be staring out my window in boredom and he'd walk by, occasionally glancing down towards the small garden we had, but never seeing me. There was at least one day I remember in which I didn't even bother to pretend to be doing something when mom and Snake came home, because the only thought on my mind was, Is it still okay to talk to Craig Manning?  
_  
And now you're left to face the gloom  
The empty room that once smelled sweetly  
Of all the flowers you plucked, if only  
You knew the reason.  
Why you had to each be lonely  
Was it just the season?  
  
_I admit, it was a complicated situation. I'd known Craig since I was about seven or eight from silly large-scale reunions my mom would take me to. And when he came to Degrassi, for a while I was so obsessively infatuated--and I call myself a feminist. It was just, seeing him older and remembering we actually had a past made me feel like, maybe, for once, there was a nice guy who was actually attainable to me. And then, I don't even know what happened, he got mixed up in romance with Manny and Ashley, and I barely had any time to dwell on it before I was thrown back into a relationship with Sean that finally had a happy air about it. Then life went from there. The beginning of grade nine was peaceful: I was with Sean, Craig was with Ash. Everyone's buzzing with joy and suddenly, I don't even know Sean anymore, and Manny's getting this huge head, like she doesn't make the connection that the only reason boys are paying her any attention is because they think she's easy. Then I find Manny with Craig and soon the whole school knows he's been cheating, then I start liking this guy Chris, and all the while Craig and Manny try to be a real couple while I'm trying desperately to get over Sean by being with Chris. Though I tried to have a good time at the year-end dance, I couldn't help thinking how unresolved everything felt, how we were all there dancing and smiling but inside everyone was miserable. I dreaded the next school year, dealing with Chris and Sean and Manny. It made my whole summer stressful with a sort of lurking fear in the back of my mind that was telling me, These are the only three months of the next twelve in which you will feel sane. I desperately wanted to feel that way, like this was my time to relax, but nothing could ease the sort of impending doom I felt.  
  
But then he found me again. Or I found him.  
  
At first it was beyond awkward. It was like rediscovery, seeing how much had changed since the days I talked to him regularly. He didn't smile nearly as much, nor was he as friendly. With a rough year behind him, I understood, and only nodded when he'd bring up the Ashley and Manny debacle and try to laugh it off. The one thing, though, I never thought I would be doing... was sympathizing with Craig Manning, who, despite the boy I knew he used to be, was still a liar and a cheater. That wouldn't change, but somehow, my feelings towards the situation did. I wasn't thinking about Manny's or Ashley's emotions, only the way that I saw him now, and he seemed so faultless. Essentially, I had forgotten he had made the choice and that for all his current misery he had himself to blame. Without having ever made a plan about it, every day we would meet somewhere along our street and stroll along, speaking of relationship woes and teachers we'd had and would have, whatever came to our minds. July days passed quickly, and our conversations continued to grow in length and depth. In the beginning, the topics were so trivial, but so gently and slowly we'd dip our feet in deeper waters, grazing across touchy subjects without ever causing discomfort. It was something I'd so lacked, the ability to speak freely to someone without worrying if I would make them mad or make them cry. Craig seemed almost numb to it, but not unfeeling, and once when I'd brought up his dad, his expression barely changed, but he spoke less. Soon I didn't think of his silence as such a good thing--he was bottling up emotions, something I was notorious for but never liked to see happen to a friend. All I'd really wanted to do was show him some comfort, and tell him it was okay to show his emotions. All I'd wanted was to play psychiatrist for an afternoon. What I got was much more.  
_  
Now the fall is here again  
You can't begin to give in  
It's all over  
  
_It started in the park a couple blocks from my house. We'd been walking for what seemed like forever, having an unusually lighthearted conversation about how much everyone had changed in the last school year. We'd had similar conversations before, but it was always about how everyone had changed for the worst, how awry everyone's intentions had gone. Finally, in this first week of August, we could laugh about it. We sat down for a rest on a park bench. He sat down rather comfortably, slouching a little and peering down at the soft patches of kelly green grass. I crossed my legs awkwardly, then uncrossed them, settling for willing my knees together. It never crossed my mind that I was trying to be ladylike. Though a warm summer day, the sun only teased us through the tent of trees. Few were around, as the playground was on the other side of the park. The shrill shrieks and playful giggles were heard in the distance. Even his maroon shirt seemed muted, as the sun tucked itself behind the clouds, draining the world of its color temporarily.  
  
Change sucks, Craig said, sitting back with his arms across the top of the bench, smiling cynically but still somehow endearingly.  
  
I said defensively and quietly, Change can be a good thing. People can change for the better. I still smiled coyly. He rolled his eyes good-naturedly.  
  
You're way too optimistic, Emma. I glanced over at him, and my smile faded into contemplation.  
  
He must have noticed the change in tone, because when he looked over at me next, his eyes were widened and his smile had disappeared.  
  
Memories always come at strange times for me. When I visited my dad last year, I thought of seeing him when I was only three. When I caught Craig and Manny making out on my bed, I thought of times when Manny and I would play dress-up in the basement at sleepovers, then giggle over cute boys. When I saw Craig sitting there with a partly-concerned, partly-confused look plastered on his face, I thought of dancing with him. Being only... seven, eight maybe. I was kind of shy at first, as I held onto my mom's hand, even while she was socializing with friends. My dress was off-white. Or light blue, I think. And I sat in the seat next to my mom and was kind of freaked out by all the people around. Weddings always tripped me up like that. I still remember watching as this tall woman with dark auburn hair and a silky blue dress walked over and exchanged hello's with my mom, and slightly behind her stood a boy. I found myself staring at him, but not in any sort of attraction; more in childlike curiosity. The way his eyes seemed to always be downward-glancing fascinated me, in a way, when all I'd ever known were my happy, bubbly, self-confident friends, Manny and JT. Minutes passed by and our moms were still sitting there, chatting endlessly, and for a brief second, I caught his eye. And a second later we both looked away, pretending like it had never happened. A slow song came from the speakers by the DJ's booth, and our moms spoke quieter, like they were planning something. Before I knew it, my mom was standing up, and I had instinctually done the same.  
  
my mom said carefully, This is Craig, Mrs. Manning's son. I didn't know who he was, nor did I even know who Mrs. Manning was. Craig, this is Emma. I put out my hand as a friendly gesture, albeit boredly, and he paused a second before haphazardly taking my hand and shaking it a little too spastically. I tried not to giggle, but this boy was kind of goofy. Do you think.. maybe you two could dance together? my mom suggested, trying to make it an innocent statement, but I knew she was just trying to torture me. I looked up at my mom with wide eyes, begging her silently not to subject me to such embarrassment.  
_  
_ he said shyly. If she wants to.  
  
Before I knew what was happening, our moms were ushering us out onto the near-empty dance floor and from the sidelines, they were miming instructions and cheering us on. Craig's hands rested on my waist, which felt kinda weird, and I was told to put my hands on his shoulders, but that felt kinda strange, too. But we went with it, while our moms looked excitedly and made the occasional noise. We didn't move our feet much, only sort of swayed, or something like that. I could feel my palms start to get sweaty. It wasn't until my mom got her camera and started snapping pictures that either of us spoke up.  
  
This is kinda embarrassing, he said, his voice a couple octaves higher than it was these days, but I could still place the similarity between them. I finally looked up and saw, even if the dim lights on the dance floor, that he was blushing, even though so few people were watching.  
  
I agreed quietly. And now I was staring at him, except this time he was less than a foot in front of me. I stopped wondering if my mom or his mom was watching, and I looked at his wandering eyes and I could've sworn they were blue. Nonetheless, looking back on it, I realize, I had always heard about wide-eyed innocence. And now I realize, that's what Craig meant to me. Innocence through all the drama.  
  
I snapped back from my daydream, and there they were, the same innocent eyes (hazel, I noticed with a slight smile). I placed my hand on one of those same shoulders, and leaned in with shaky breaths to find my lips attached to his. _  
  
When the snows come rolling through  
You roll in, too, with some new lover  
Will you think of times you told me  
That you knew the reason  
Why we had to each be lonely  
It was just the season.  
  
_That last month and a week, Craig and I could never be found alone. We began to hang out, at places like The Dot and at each other's houses. We still had the conversations, but my mind would often wander to that early August day, and I couldn't speak well when I was wondering that made me and him. We never kissed again, but maybe, I thought, we were above that now. Maybe we were always above that. We could have these conversations; we had real substance. Watching the summer days draw to a close was a bittersweet longing for both social interaction and time by yourself. And I thought that's all it would be.  
  
I sat today, our first day of school, on the bench outside school, before homeroom began. I had spent the last week with Snake, Jake and my mom, visiting my grandparents, and I was eager to see Craig again. I didn't really expect him to sit and talk with me every day like we had during summer. I just thought we were sort of friends now. I sat with Manny and listened to her talking, but I wasn't comprehending, or caring to do so. My mind was somewhere else, and she noticed soon after. She stopped talking but soon enough, JT had joined us, and she jumped right back in to talking, though in a slightly more flirtatious tone this time. While they exchanged lovesick smiles beside me, I watched everyone coming in for a brand new year of school, hopefully leaving last year's emotional baggage in the past.  
  
Then suddenly, there he was. Walking down the sidewalk, with the newly straightened hair that I knew would surprise others. But I'd been seeing it every day for the past two months. It made me feel special, in a way, that I'd known these small details before others. As if, I knew all his little nuances, and the rest of the world only saw the big picture. I smiled as he walked towards me, as he had to pass by me to get to the group of Spinner, Paige, Jimmy, and the rest of them across the steps. Then I noticed. A girl walked by his side, with long auburn hair, and she was laughing at something he said. He grinned like he hadn't heard anyone laugh at anything he said before. They approached us, and I saw he noticed me. His grin wore down to a slight smile, as he stopped for a second.  
  
Hey, Emma. I smiled, acknowledging in his presence, but he went along his way with the girl trailing behind him. His words had distracted Manny from her flirting. She turned to me and started blabbing, and I caught the words can't believe and that jerk, but all my concentration went into staring at the arm that crept around the girl's waist, and the smiles they'd exchanged. All in all, though, I found it kinda funny.  
  
I guess it was just the season.  
_  
Will you think of times you told me  
That you knew the reason  
Why we had to each be lonely  
It was just the season.  
  
ú  
  
_Hope you enjoyed? Review, if you love me._  
_


End file.
